When I heard there was a new Godzilla movie coming out, I was ambivalent. When I saw the Cranston-heavy trailer in IMAX before Captain America, I was fully on board (with the obvious caveat that, come on, it’s a movie about Godzilla, it’s not going to be transcendent.) And after having gone to a packed show this Saturday, I can say with confidence that the movie matched my expectations.

For the first twenty minutes or so. Then, like certain characters who won’t be named, it needlessly plummeted. What started as an interestingly dark take on the franchise quickly became a plotless mess. It tried to devote most of its time to exposition, but without a compelling lead the disaster angle felt boring and lifeless, and no one’s actions had consequences. This would be fine (who remembers anyone in Cloverfield?), except even the “epic” destruction felt forced and, considering the scale of all things CG, weirdly small. Military people pose militarily, famous landmarks get destroyed by virtue of them being famous (let’s save the kids! send them across the Golden Gate Bridge, that’s the safest way to avoid SEA MONSTERS while on a peninsula) and I just couldn’t bring myself to care about anything. It wasn’t terrible, but it was a huge letdown, and like the Ken who was better than most everyone else in the cast, I Wa[nted]-ta-na-be in the theatre by the end.

Review and bonus spoiler ep at: